Homes for Hobos

Alongside my position as head admin. for Fakiegrind Communication Industries, I am also the chair of the international, one-man non-profit organization Homes for Hobos. At HFH it is our mandate to find homes for those adorable, free-spirited wanderers one often sees down by the tracks, hopping trains or huddled around a flaming garbage can, playing lively songs on guitars made from old cigar boxes.



Problem is, by some strange twist of genetics or upbringing, hobos seem to like their homeless lifestyle and rarely take well to domestication. Even HFH's revolutionary effort of 2002, where we constructed low-cost condominium-style housing units fashioned out of old freight cars stacked one on top of the other didn't go over very well, and the majority of our "Train-Hoppers Haven" housing units remain vacant to this day.



So, I'm always pained when I come across old steel railway bridges being torn down, to be replaced by modern, ugly concrete counterparts. In the eyes of HFH, this is just one less natural environ for the modern hobo to call "temporary home".



Someday, our governments will realize that hobos need homes too, and they will protect bridges like this, designating them "hobo preservation areas". Until that day, Homes for Hobos will continue doing what we do best--that is to say, nothing.

Migration

Skate Jam!

If there is a heaven, I think it will be something like the 14th annual Beasley Park Skateboard Jam (without the sore back the next day). Despite the first day of the jam being rained out, the second day was great fun. I wasn't even going to bring my board, but the neighbour's kid convinced me to, and I'm glad he did. I also brought the Fakiegrind camera and caught a few moments of the Massive Skateboard Destruction.

The Next Big Thing

Maybe you have heard the story of Snow White and the Scorpion.


"There's been a sudden spike in readership after that last teaser!
We might have the sleeper hit of 2006 on our hands!"


"Wait 'till they learn it involves pirates and zombies!"


"Psssst.....I hear 'Snow White and the Scorpion' is the new 'Snakes on a Plane'."


"Brad Pitt has a cameo role as 'Cavity Head' "


More astonishingly, the entire film was made by a couple 4th grade kids using Flash.


"Git that fricken scorpion away from that fricken virtuous maiden!"


Mrs. Miller will never chide her students for 'playing video games' in class again.


'Snow White and the Scorpion', coming never to a theatre near you!

It was a Full Moon, But I Forgot to Look

"One summer never ends
One summer never begins
It keeps me standing still
It takes all my will
Then suddenly...."

-The Motels

Ninja Art

Now that we're over the hump of the 666th post, souls and civilization (more or less) intact, I've had time to work on other things, such as a construction for the upcoming "Goddamn Ninjas" art show opening here in Steeltown next week-end. Here is my entry entitled, "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Ninja"



Ninjas from three continents will be converging for this much anticipated event. The city has decided to evacuate the downtown core Friday night so as not to incur any civilian casualties in the Royal Rumble event, which will be transmitted via satellite on the Fakiegrind pay-per-view channel. Be sure to tune at 9 pm, Standard Ninja Time for what promises to be the black gi event of the century!

The 666th Post is Upon Us!

Whatever will become of Fakiegrind?

High Noon at Fakie Ranch

"Remember, if you see the Endtime Adjuster, or any of Xister's posse,
shoot first and administer the Android Detection Test later!"

Fakiegrind How To

Construct a Snow Man on the Hottest Day of the Year!

It's darn tootin' hot, and if your air conditioner is on the fritz--or just non-existant like at Fakiegrind Central, then you will need to find creative ways to keep cool in these dog days of summer.


Why not defrost the ice box?


It could sure use it!


Carve yourself out a bowl of frosty slush, being ever-so-careful not to puncture the cooling tubes filled with freon gas that line the walls of your ice-box. Use the material thus gathered to mold...


Defrosty De Snoman! He has blueberry eyes and a rolled up coupon for a hat. I would have found more stuff with which to decorate him, but it was too darn hot to move!


Defrosty, a half hour later.


An hour later, and his blueberry eyes bob hauntingly in a new constellation.


Two hours later, and Defrosty has returned to primordial freezer ooze.


But the Great Northern Ice Shelf is cooling the kitchen while melting in the sink.

Stay (C)old!

Prototype Weapon

At the fakie central secret underground labs we are sometimes asked to build our own weapons of mass destruction. Doing this work of course means a one way ticket to Hell, but we are always ready to do evil in the name of good.

Latest weapon:
Countdown Crush

~~ you feel yourself forgetting now ~~
~~ you feel yourself thinking about obscure collectible Starwars™ figures ~~

Denture Adventure

I was walking down the street the other day
When I saw this gal coming my way.
She looked so fly, she looked so sweet--
Just the kind of girl I wanted to meet.
So I gave her a wink and I gave her a smile.
I hadn't seen a girl like that in a while.
She turned her head. I looked her in the eye.
She was so hot I just wanted to die.
I said, "Hey, how ya doin?"
She said "Ok."
I said, "Let's go for a walk, it's a beautiful day."
So she flashed a smile and to my great grief
She was wearing a pair
of plastic goofy teeth.
I guess I must have frowned
She said, "What's wrong?"
I said, "It's just your front teeth look a bit oblong."
She said, "You don't like my teeth?
I had them done the other day.
They look kinda dopey in a life-like way."
I said, "Yeah, I guess they do"
She said, "You should get a set!"
I said, "I'm not so sure."
She said, "You're all wet!"
So we went the the clinic
(It's beyond belief)
But I got myself fit
With a set of goofy teeth.
And everywhere we went
I wore them with pride.
I said, "Girl, I want to make you my bride."
Well, it wasn't long before we were engaged.
That girl and I will reach a ripe old age.
And whenever we smile
The people all say,
"They look life-like
in a dopey sort of way."