Friday, March 16, 2007

Fakiegrind Is Moving

No, we're not re-vamping the blog or changing our web address or anything of that nature. But Fakiegrind Central Headquarters is in the process of moving our extensive collection of top-secret dossiers on hitherto suppressed, revolutionary new skateboard technologies, (not to mention the vast and largely uncatalogued Vaults of Oldness) and our complete battalion of 1940s office furniture and vacuum tube computer systems to a brand new location.

Now's the time to sell, before they turn it all into condos.

So as to better foil the nefarious plots of our numerous enemies and detractors, the exact location and date of the move must be kept strictly hush-hush, and we may have to maintain blog silence for an unspecified length of time, until we can get our systems up and running to normal capacity. Please note that during this period, the Antiballistic Missile Early Warning and Deployment systems will also be down, so please do not launch any ordinance (live or otherwise) our way in a friendly attempt to test our satellite shields (and this goes for you too, Roboshrub Inc.). Also, we don't anticipate having any difficulties when the time comes to move the bio-weapons research lab — Agent Rocksteady's pick-up truck has been specially equipped with an old refrigerator we found curbside the other day — but, just in case, we have advised all readers within a thousand mile radius to make sure they've had their flu shots.

If all goes well, we should be up and running again in a month or so. We're also looking for new homes for the hybrid dog-walrus sentries (the "walrogs"), as our new Headquarters has much less space for our kennel/genetic research facility. Anyone interested in acquiring one of these creatures (who love kids and make for great pets) can drop us a line.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Keep Your Eyes to the Event Horizon


Transmitted at 17:49 Standard Fakie Time from Central Headquarters, just before it was transformed into a herd of grazing water buffalo.

"It seems unbelievable but true! Dr. Flavour's experimental new portable Black Hole Generator for home and office use is showing off-the-chart levels of anti-matter flux generation..."

"But Flavour left expicit instructions (before dissappearing into the Borneo forest on an extreme golfing expidition) NEVER to turn that thing's just too unpredictable and the black hole generated could spell the end of Fakiegrind as we know it!"

"Is it my fault he made the thing look so much like a coffee maker? I thought I was turning on the morning brew."

"Well it looks like you've started an irreversible process that will see Fakiegrind central at the epicentre of what will likely be the universe's first artificially generated black hole!"

"Does that mean?"


"But then..."



"Yes, almost certainly."

"And so..."

"And so this may be the very last posting to escape the event parimeter, the fabled post described in the Book of Oldness as the Last Transmission!"

Book of Oldness, archive photo

"Better make it count."

"We don't have long."

"We should set back the clocks."

"No time for that now!"

"But we'd gain an extra hour..."

"You need to study Paragraph 111.2-3356 of Subsection W of the Report on the Infalibility of Non-linear Synchonistic Dampening Protocols."

"Actually, I was just looking at that."


"And there are several questionable inferences in the Third Argument. I was forced to fold it into an origami duck and set it alight."

"Under normal circumstances I'd nominate you for Agent of the Month, but right now we need to say something monumental and awe-inspiring to leave as a testament to the grandeur that was Fakiegrind."

"You know, we're running out of stir-sticks at the coffee station."

"Not that! Anything but that!"

"Captain! The event parimetre is unfolding at an exponential rate....we have only a few second left!"

"You know, this reminds me of the time..."

"Captain! If you have any profound words of wisdom to bestow before this blog impodes, now's the time..."

"Well, in that case, just let me say what a pleasure it has been to serve as Blog Commander of the digital anomoly hitherto known as Fakiegrind."

"Anything else?"

"Also, never carry an open can of sardines in your pocket. It will leak."

"But what about..."

"Oh yes, 0 is the new 4."


"Wow, check out the colours!"


"Time/space is folding on itself! Any final comments?"

"yEs iNdeeD. oNe laSt tHiNg.....

sTaY oLd!