Saturday, November 04, 2006

New Adventures on the Wheels of Steeltown

With all the projects we have on the go here at Fakiegrind Central, space is limited. Our Time Machine Research Department alone takes up a good city block of space, which, when the tessaractic flux field is taken into account, means that we have to make do with 43% less counter space in the staff kitchen.

Our Feng Shui expert, Dr. Thirdeye, recently came by to help rearrange the space wherein we house the Modular Acoustic Disruption Generator (MADG), otherwise know as the Wheels of Steeltown.

Dr. Thirdeye could make a prison cell seem like Club Med.

Thirdeye's genius allowed us to retrieve the Steeltown One unit from the Vaults of Oldness, wherein it had lain dormant for some months.

Steeltown One glows from inside, and never skips a beat.

He also added a homey touch to the space with this framed interstellar treasure map found hastily scrawled on the page of an old phone book. We suspect it leads to a stash of old disco records buried on one of the moons of Saturn.

Along with the direct drive of Steeltown Two, we are now all set up to do some serious Disco Disruption Mixology. However, the astral charts are predicting heavy solar flare activity over the week-end, which could interfere with our glandular beat-synch membrane. There are times when I curse my foyer into biomorphic technology!

Steeltown Two cooks at 33.3 RPMs.

After a manicure and cuticle spa treatment at the local disco lounge, DJ Thing is itching to fire up the newly assembled system and get down to some mixed bizness.

Thing has primed the wax.

Now, if only we could somehow hook our tape machine up to the computer, we could disseminate the progeny of Thing's bizarre vinyl copulations via the interweb. But, so far, Fakie scientists have not managed this alchemical feat of translating analogue signals into digital. Heck, they haven't even figured out a way to retrieve the focus group we left stranded in the Mesozoic Period during our last time machine experiment!


jin said...

"The Steeltown One unit from the Vaults of Oldness???

But I thought Happy T. Fluke sold everything in the vaults?!!?

flatlander said...

Ha! You are truly a scholar of Fakiedom. Back in my Marvel comic book-reading days, the editors would award what they called a "No Prize" to any reader who could point out an unaccountable inconsistency in their reportage.

Since the Marvel universe was penned by various different writers, there were actually a good many little rifts in the narrative fabric of their tales, and these required deft mending by agile-minded editors who could explain away the alleged discrepency in the story lines.

But, since Fakiegrind is a realtime blog peopled with actual entities, we need never stoop to such tactics as the editors at Marvel used to cover up their little gaffs.

While it is true that Happy T. Fluke, in his brief but memorable stint as guest administrator last summer, did attempt to clear out the Vaults of Oldness, liquidating Fakiegrind's entire (or so he blieved) stockpile of comic books, action figures, vintage typewriters and other various and sundry memorabilia from the eighties and even earlier, he, in fact, only succeeded in clearing out the Forevaults of Oldness--a chore which I had been meaning to get around to myself, but had never seemed to be able to find the time to do so.

The Forevaults were where we stored all the flashy detritus, as well as doubles, counterfeits, and craftily crafted decoy copies of several of the more valuable pieces in the collection. The true treasure trove of Oldness, including the hoary Book of Oldness itself, as well as a set of 12th Century commentaries by the mystical Cathar scholar known only as Leeroy Binklebones the Second, remained safe and secure in the Sub-Vaults of Oldness, the exact location of which are known only to myself and two other Fakiegrind associates (who can access the information implanted in their brains only under influence of hypnosis).

So, to make a long answer just a bit longer, that old photocopier repair man-turned blog usurper actually did us a favour when he attempted to wreak havoc with the Fakiegrind legacy by (allegedly) laying waste our carefully guarded heritage. But, as you can see, Steeltown One and our other priceless pieces of salvaged garbage are safe and sound, and ready to rocka da haus!

So, Jin, I'm afraid I can't issue you the Fakiegrind equivalent of a No Prize -- but your vigilance and perspicaciousness have earned you the title of Guardian of Fakiedom. Long may you blog!!!

Guardian of Fakiedom said...


Why, why, why.....
I don't know what to say?!!?

*jin takes a bow*

Long may YOU blog, as well!!!

:-D :-D :-D

Gyrobo said...

Speaking of old Fakie business, whatever happened to that Easter poem? It seems to have... disintegrated!

flatlander said...

The Easter Poem was stolen by the Pope, or one of his minions, because it contradicted official Church doctrine.

I can't say too much about it right now, but Fakie agents are involved in an operation by which we intend to gain the bartering power necessary to make a trade, so to speak, to regain the poem.

Gyrobo said...

It was a very good poem... the rhyming scheme, the deep meaning.

Although, if it sewed the seeds of discord in the minds of the Fakies and their kin, well then, by all means into the incinerator of oblivion with it!

flatlander said...

It seems that quite a few postings went missing while the Fluke was at the helm, this summer.

Luckily, I have back-up files so securely hidden that even I don't know about them most days.

Grammar Slammer said...

Did I just read, "perspicaciousness"?

Slammer time!

jin said...

*jin hangs her head in shame*
I admit I had to look up
when I first read it.
But now I try to use it AT LEAST 3 times a day!!!

flatlander said...

Whew! I almost got slammed by the Grammar Slammer there. But it turns out "perspicaciousness" is an actual word.

"Perspicuity" might have been a shorter choice.