Thursday, February 08, 2007

Model of Mystery


Many readers may be wondering, what will the coastline look like twenty years from now, given current global warming trends? Others may be asking themselves about the average shelf life of a tuna sandwich (five hours, according to Fakie researchers). Yet others might have burnt out a few synapses wondering what has become of Fakiegrind and it's once-prolific posting output.

Well, the fact is, I've been trying to track down models from old 1970s department store catalogues as part of a "where are they now" kind of article, but I've really been having no luck. Exhausting early on the obvious avenue of telephone inquiry (most marketing firms involved in the production of these catalogues – when they even still exist – flatly refuse to give out information about past or present models), I set about an arduous campaign of gluing fliers to streetposts in the major urban centres of the nation hoping to strike a note of remembrance from the citizenry. But hours turned into days turned into weeks of sitting next to the Modeltracker Hotline and 'nary a call came through, save a couple telemarketers and cranks.

And so, I am left with one last recourse: publishing pictures on the web in the hope that someone will come forward with information about these catalogue superstars of yesteryear and tell us how life has been for them. Perhaps some things best remain as mysteries, but the call is out. If you know anything about this man, his history or current whereabouts, Fakiegrinders want to know.


jin said...

I know him!

His name is John Smith.
He disappeared in that very outfit.
Some say he was tring to blend into the sunset...some say he was diguised as a professional glolfer...yet others say he was clinically insane.

I only crossed paths with him on one occasion many many many (many!) moons ago. I was a very young jin, barely able to reach the oven. I heard a ruckus outside, dropped my muffin tins & went running. There he stood, in the middle of the street holding Dorothy's gams with her red shoes still attached. He was clicking them together saying, "I want a new gnome...I want a new gnome...I want a new gnome."
After the third time, POUF! He was gone.

Gyrobo said...


His name was John, but his last name was Gibbs.

He was one of the best pancake chefs I've ever met, able to carry a tune with the best of 'em. When he rang his ol' cowbell, you better believe there was a stampede to see which diner patron would get the first plate of his fresh butter-biscuits.

Then he sold out to some family food chain, and they gave him a pair of cement boots for his trouble.

Some say they can still hear him flipping flapjacks during the new moon. Others say it's only under the full moon.

flatlander said...

Ah yes! John Smith, aka John Gibbs, also know as Johnny Swizzler the Toastbaron of Upper Balantinia. He made and lost several fortunes in the volatile instant pancake market before retiring to Kansas to start a Gnome farm. Though he shuns the spotlite and all media attantion, his line of Gnomic accessories have made their mark on the international fashion scene. (who can forget the curled-toe shoe that took runways by storm in the fall/winter wardrobe of '96?).

Anyways, I wouldn't have recognized him in that improbable hat, were it not for the intrepid Fakie research of Jin and Gyrobo.

Thanks guys!

Professor Huxley said...

I must say, I do adore the bucket hat.

Bathroom Hippo said...

Wrong! His name was Flat F. Lander (flatlander's father), and he died while petting a dog that later became a professor.

Gyrobo said...

How could he possibly know, unless...

He is the prophet child!

Michael said...

I need a hat like that! Spring has come early in Cali.

jin said...

O Flatlander, Flatlander! wherefore art thou Flatlander

My blog addiction is as boundless as the cyber sea,
My love of Fakiegrind as deep; the more I read of thee,
The more I have learned, for your knowledge is infinite.

Good post, good post! commenting is such sweet sorrow
That I shall say good luck with your prose till it be morrow.

Bathroom Hippo said...

I think Flatlander is dead.

"He, uh, lived a good life. I think he skateboarded all over the world! And then he went to Mars and totally skateboarded there."

-realizes the audience is not buying any of this-

"I, um, gotta...go..."

flatlander said...

I'm not dead! I've just been working very hard on a line of monographed underwear. They say "FTL" on them for "Flatlander". Paris and Stockholm are already sold out. Who would have thought there are so many closet bloggers out there eager to sport a pair of secret agent briefs?!

A full report will be issued by the next lunar eclipse.

jin said...

Something is brewing at FakiegrindHQ!!!
A second contributor has been added recently.
I am either:
a) very observant
2. pathetic

I eagerly await new adventures!
Bring 'em on!!!

flatlander said...

Actually, when I switched over from the old Blogger to Beta, it seems that our roser of contributors was lost in the shuffle, and I just haven't got around to inviting them back....but somehow Dr. Flavour, with his technological savy, slipped in under the radar.