Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Always Fresh

Is Tim Hortons a big deal in the States? Here in the northlands, it's something like the McDonalds of Canada. And Steeltown boasts the original outlet, the fabled Store #1 that Indiana Jones sets out to find in the unproduced fourth movie of the series.


It took me a while to locate the place, despite some reliable intelligence. I had to fend off carnivorous robotic pigeons, shape-shifting dumpsters, and poison-soaked torpedo shrimp, amongst other perils.

These cages housed zombie ferrets, before I dispatched them to Hades.

Cutting back a swath of strangling vines and cursing the swarms of malaria-rife gnats, I suddenly came upon the object of my quest.


The first Tim Hortons shop looks much like any of them, except for a single retro sign, and a plaque on the wall. Several rotting skeletons heaped beside the garbage can warned me not to tarry too long in the parking lot.


The interior is a little smaller than most stores, with about six tables and two glass cases with memorabilia. The approach to the cash register is awkward, requiring the intrepid coffee drinker to avoid stepping on the white linoleum tiles and keep only to the red ones, lest he be pelted with day-old Hawaiian sprinkled Timbits.


The lady working behind the counter was a little camera shy, and she told me I would have to come back tomorrow to meet the oldest surviving cashier, who has been working there since '67.

The place was simply teeming with pastries, but which ones
contained deadly nitroglycerin, and which ones would
bring the Visions?

But I wasn't after coffee--black death we call it in archeology circles. No, I was after the rare and valuable Boston Cream donut, hoping to bring a specimen back to civilization in order to dissect it in front of my graduate class on 20th Century Confectionaries.


Walking carefully home, my prize donut in one trembling hand, I didn't have my backpack. On a deserted strech of sidewalk, two locals inquired about "buying" my camera, which was dangling around my neck. The situation threatened to turn violent, and I was considering throwing my donut at them and making a run for it.

Beware, the robo-elk!

Then I remembered the festive Norwegian Elk Summoning Dance, always good for disarming a potentially hostile situation. Soon we were laughing and joking like old friends, and I took the opportunity to sell the rogues some old vinyl siding that had been sitting around my yard for months. Exchanging e-mail addresses, I managed to make a graceful exit before the street was flooded with stampeding Norwegian elk.

Double elk milk, please

Well, there you have it: another Steeltown first.


jin said...

I have never heard of this place.
The donuts look REEEALY GOOOOD!
Tell us what flavour you had?
How did it smell? How did it taste?
You really only bought one?
I am so hungry right now...I'm damn glad I'm in a pastry shoppe! ;-)

Bathroom Hippo said...

Tim Hortons' Donut shack is about as popular in the States as Peter Potamus' Ontario Fried Chicken is in Canada.

Tim and I went to Vietnam when Adjuster was in diapers. Mechanical diapers. Diapers that flooded the Earth two consecutive times. The oil spills were devastating. He cost us the war. Tim was never the same since then.

flatlander said...

The donut was laced with peyote, and I had an intricate vision in which I saw my spirit animal, which turns out to be a chic pea.

Bathroom Hippo said...

You got lucky Flatlander.

My drink was spiked with angel dust.
I'm never going back.


jin said...


I thought your post
was MI-TEE Tame
maybe the DO-NUT
was to blame

Then I saw
more pics & words
attacks, escapes
ROBOT-IC birds

you did not
is smok-IN hoT!

(jin says, how'd I do?) :-D

flatlander said...

Yes, there was an "Always Fresh" prototype post, full of lies and indiscresions. Few were lucky enough to see it, and these souls will be hunted down by the robo-elk and eliminated.

Except for you, Jin, because that was a funky-fresh throwdown if ever there was!

em said...

Next time be sure to ask for a "tractor tire".

Now if only you could find the fabled LAST Tim Hortons, then you would have a complete set!

Gyrobo said...

I think the first time I found out about Tim Horton's I was doing a search on Canadian superheroes.

Never been to one; although, I did manage to go to Boston once.

But I was unable to procure an authentic Boston Cream Donut.

flatlander said...

Tim Horton is the original Canadian superhero, because he brought the "rrrrroll up the rrrrrim to win" promotion that keeps us constantly amused, this neck of the woods.

Whenever I hear about Boston, I can't help mourning that time they dumped all those British donuts over the sides of the docked ships.

I bet they have some fat fish down those parts!

mizfit said...

::wipes drool from keyboard::lovely donuts, man!!! donuts in India are really bad. my visits abroad are the ones that keep me alive on the hope that smday, not long frm now, i will get to work in a pastry shop and hog on sm of my 'mistakes'::dreamy eyed::

i liked ur story of do(two, in hindi)-nuts as much as the actual donuts.

Gyrobo said...

Every time I read this post, I want donuts.

Must... move... closer... to... donut store...

flatlander said...

I wish I could say the post is a plot to sell more donuts and up T.H. stock, but I think it's owned by an American company anyways.

They'll never get our citrus plantations, though--they're better hid than Saddam's weapons stockpiles!

em said...

Isn't it "Always FLESH, 'cause you keep eating them"?

Don't think you can sneak your zombie propaganda past the watchfull eye's of my pixelated avatar!

phenomenon said...

lol- that certainly made me hungry for donuts.. which is odd, because i dont like pastries of any kind.. lol.

you have an awesome blog..