Here at Fakiegrind, we've been well aware, for some time, of the existence of an intelligent race of beings living below the frozen surface of Enceladus, one of Saturn's thirty moons. In fact, this blog is actually part of a pan-national effort to protect Earth citizens from information that could throw global economies and infrastructures into a state of panic and anarchy.
The idea is to keep people distracted with the largely irrelevant minutiae of stranger's lives so that citizens will be less likely to notice the flickering lights hovering just at the periphery of your field of vision, or the translucent, glowing skin of certain people on the subway.
Our effort has had the desired effect. With over twenty hits a day, Fakiegrind, and millions of other blogs like it, are keeping people's attention diverted from the ongoing colonization of our planet by extra-terrestrial beings.
However, just today, some fool scientists went and leaked the Enceladus story to the media. We told the government that sending research probes to Saturn was a bad idea. Of course, we couldn't tell them why it was a bad idea, because that would breach the integrity of our entire mission. Needless to say, our warnings went unheeded.
As a result, we can now expect an invasion of massive scale within the next thirty-six hours. This should be just enough time to stockpile food, water, toiletries, and to barricade your home in an effective matter. Hint: the Saturnine invaders are highly allergic to mint jelly. Spreading this substance on the outer walls, windows and doors of your house should provide a good measure of protection--at least until the aliens hose it off with their "scrubber-bots". Once this happens, you can expect to have your brain sucked out of your head and replaced with a synthetic, streamlined replica within a matter of minutes.
The operation is quick, safe, and virtually painless. Some people experience a twitching in their left foot. Afterwards you will feel much better, and you will no longer be troubled by whatever it is in life that generally bothers you. You will likely feel compelled to spend half of your day searching for the rare forest fungi that the aliens seem to love to smear over their bodies, but, apart from that, your time will be your own to squander as is your wont.
We just wanted to give readers the heads up. Now that the cat is out of the bag, we will return to our regularly scheduled inanities.