Saturday, November 12, 2005

Adjuster Sighting

The Fakiegrind arch-nemesis, The Endtime Adjuster, was thought to have been atomized earlier this week, when his rocket-pack misfired, sending him plummeting into a crucible of molten steel. He was subsequently turned into ingots and sent to Brazil as raw materials for a new sports stadium. It turns out, however, that due to a mysterious steroid solution, distilled from Amazonian rain forest herbs and sprayed over the stadium in an attempt to augment the natural strength and dexterity of the local Kapawara practitioners, the Adjuster was able to reconstitute himself from traces of genetic material, and has returned as an even more powerful super-being of living metal alloy.

All this is cause enough for alarm. However, yesterday at the local North End Dollar Depot, I found the following 7" action figure:


Heralded on the package as "The New Adventurer" and the "Very Daredevil Super Cavalier", this alleged toy is almost certainly a 3-D reproduction of the Adjuster in his new, re-constituted form. Having had the opportunity to study Brazilian Kapawara, and with his nigh-indestructible new steel-alloy body, there is no telling what havoc this endtime fundamentalist fear-monger might wreak!

The toy packaging also depicts several members of what can only be the Adjuster's posse of guerilla Kapawara commandos. Two of them are shown poised on either side of the head of their Supreme Commander, like the cliche good and bad angels that appear on people's shoulders in the cartoons (only in this case, the Adjuster likely has two bad angels, or one evil and one downright loathsome angel).

So, if in your travels you come across a large gladiator with an Ace of Spades club of death in one hand, suited in crimson Endtime Armor of Indestructibility, do not let him ride on your skateboard--even if he asks very politely! He will almost certainly try to execute the oldschool maneuver called a "360 Boneless One", and break your board in half with a clumsy, haphazard landing.

Also, do NOT, under any circumstances, feed this beast of the apocalypse Milk Duds. Not unless you want to melt all the circuits in your collection of vintage Atari and Colleco Vision game cassettes. Consider yourselves duly warned!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i picked up one of these today. except it was black/gold instead of red/silver, and the awesome ace of spades club was red.

it was marked NO 002 also. silly chinese, painted them up all wrong :)

what's up with the batman head under the blister too! (obscured in picture)