Here is the slug that almost ate my house,
as caught on special infrared "ghostbuster" film.
Sometimes Jimmy Z from Mission Control pays a visit to Fakiegrind Central--to keep me updated on news from our shareholders and other higher-ups, and to make sure everything is running smoothly. Today he wasn't his usual chipper self.
"Why the long face?" I asked.
"Return hits are down almost 50%. Seems the majority of Fakiegrind viewers read it once and move on. It's pretty much like having no readers at all."
"We're still getting one person who checks us out at least once a day, usually more."
"That's your mom."
"So it is. Hi mom!" I tried to change the subject. "The spyware you installed is working nicely. Now we can tell what country our readers are living in, what kind of car they drive, which movies they watch, favourite breakfast cereals, etc."
"So why don't you pander more to the masses? Talk about current events and entertainment."
"I don't make enough money to see current movies. I wouldn't know where to start. Now that the Star Wars saga is finished, I'm really at a loss for what to write about."
"You need to do something to boost readership or the shareholders will shut us down."
"I put the Fancy Links in alphabetical order."
"Not good enough. We need something with kick."
"Maybe I could do a piece about my new job."
"See whether you can keep it for longer than three days first."
"Well, how about a piece on the sex life of garden slugs? I found a large one in the yard yesterday."
"Did you have sex with it?"
"Of course not!"
"You have to find an edge. Something that hasn't been done before. Sex with slugs might turn some heads."
"Uhhh...I dunno. The SPCA might close us down. I did get some photos of the thing."
"Did it eat half your house, dissolving it with radioactive slugslime?"
"Better. Post some pictures of the slug. Say it was ten feet high, singing Blondie songs and terrorizing the neighbourhood. Say that Gary Larson showed up to draw the thing in his sketch book, then the army brought a giant salt shaker on a crane to neutralize the beast. Say it was the most amazing thing you've ever seen. Do it now!"
"Ok Ok, take it easy."