Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Software

A long time ago, during my previous life as a cog in a web-database programming dungeon, I helped with a program.

The problem was this program was being developed and used at the same time. This means that you run into bugs or errors for no apparent reason. I quietly suggested to the lead programmer that some explanation was better than nothing.

He agreed...

The errors are pulled randomly from this list. Apply liberally to your own project.



I think it was that extra coffee you had.

Maybe you think your working on a pr0n site or something. We don't do that shit here.

This software is sophisticated. It has a sophisticated problem.
Unlike you...

I'm really, really sorry.

Think about your "mouse hand".

Maybe if you clicked a few more times, banged your monitor and yelled "Fucking fucker fuck!".

Soft Pink Eraser.

A suffusion of yellow.

Teamwork produces results.

When you talk about all your O'REILLY books, do people think your really into Irish literature?

--Mouse pad--
$750 per month plus util.
View of fridge

I prefer showers over baths.

U mu5T B3 37337 H4X0R d00D 2 g3T Th15 34404.

Do your vi skillz impress the chicks? When you talk at parties can other people hear the numbers in place of letters?

It must be a Y2k thing. Install the patch.

Hey! I didn't know you could do that!

You learn something new every day like,
don't do that again.

Remember the promise you made last time you were hung over?
Time to make it again.

Sorry, you wanted what?

Could you repeat that again, louder and slower?

It's neat when things break. You learn a lot about yourself. Noooo, don't go blaming me! You know you have anger issues. You should try one of those rubbery stress balls. Pick one up and chuck it at anyone who is in range. Works wonders.

When you told me to "Just do it" you violated copyright. Therefore I "just didn't".

Jell-O. heh eheheh heheh

When was the last time you went for a pony ride?

How's that resume coming?

PROJECT DELETED.
No, just kidding. I only corrupted the lookup table. You keep backups don't you?

Now is a good time for a pee break.
Better yet, sit down with a magazine. This may take a while.

Hey slick, bet you can't do that again.

Painstakingly hand crafted by old world smiths.

Let's keep this little incident between ourselves, shall we?

How many mouse clicks to the centre of a tootsie-pop?

I thought I'd take a moment of your time to tell you... sorry can you hold?

Maybe you did something bad.

Quick, blame someone!

Print job complete.
That wasn't it, was it... damn.

This version of [product name removed] optimized for Sinclair ZX 80.

Maybe this wouldn't happen if you stayed home.

You don't really mean that.

Ignorance is bliss.
I don't imagine this moment of brilliance would look good on my resume, but you never know.

1 comment:

neo said...

Even as the Living Embodiement of The Matrix, I sometimes create a glitch in the DigiFabric when my attention starts wandering in the direction of Trinity's--uh--cyberport. When this happens it's good to have a snappy excuse or two ready at hand to keep Morpheus off my butt. Thanks Em!