Due to the 0 requests we have received on the matter, we soon will be mailing out the first issue of "Just Old", the official Fakiegrind Newsletter, to everybody on the mailing list. What? You haven't signed onto the mailing list? No problem. Our advanced spyware allows us to gather all the information we need to track your movements for the rest of your natural lifespan. Simply being loosely associated with someone who has even so much as been in the same room when someone else has ventured into Fakiegrind blogspace makes you eligible for a lifetime subscription to the Newsletter. [No sales associate will call. Newsletter subject to radical transformation without proir notice.] It's our way of saying, "Hey, we may not all see eye to eye on major socio-political issues, nor on which one (or more) of the Spice Girls we'd most like to marry, but we're all equal when it comes to junkmail recipiency".
In the Newsletter you will find articles that the blogger format has made impossible for us to publish, like exclusive interviews with west coast scene shakers like Kill-Joy, and directions for bulding your own Danny Way style mondo jump ramp out of lumber scrap ripped-off from your neighbour's tool shed. Our first issue will also feature a photospread of the Flatlander doing the world's first 900 flatground ollie over twelve fondu pots of molten dipping sauce (correctly identify the brand of dipping sauce and win a free used sharpie marker signed by Kill-Joy!). As an added bonus we will also be giving you the personal phone numbers of celebrity pro skaters like Tony Hawk and Omar Wiggfield -not to mention the nude photos of Natas Kaupas we've managed to dig up for the inaugural issue!
So keep your eyes glued to your mailboxes [Fakiegrind is not liable for personal injuries incurred by metaphorically challenged individuals who attempt adhering or afixing any part of their own or someone else's body to any box, cannister, tub or similar receptical specifically designed for the retaining of posted materials]. Please note, however, that due to the government heat we've been recieving lately, any Fakiegrind materials we might attempt to send through the post would almost certainly be confiscated, opened, read, reread, puzzled over, cast away in disgust, picked up agian in morbid fascination, misquoted in reports, misunderstood in Parlaiment, questioned, quarrentined, quartered, abused, manhandled, mangled, subjected to structural, forensic, literary, post-structural, and quantum analysis, spat upon, scorned, spurned, stoned, subpoenaed, sent to rehab, applauded, anointed, annotated, wined, dined, courted, cornered, converted, dated, tracked, trailed and tagged before making it to your doorstep. To avoid this incursion upon the private life of information, Fakiegrind technicians down at Special Ops. have encoded the Newsletter in such a way as to make it appear as any number of common junkmail flyers. You can identify your Fakiegrind newsletters from regular houshold junkmail by looking for the keywords, "Sale!" and "Special Event" displayed prominantly anywhere on the front of the flyer. In order to actually read your Newsletter, you must do the following: 1) Purchase a quality pair of 3-D glasses from any large and reputable 3-D movie paraphernalia outfitter. 2) Dilute one part translucent blue toothpaste (such as Aim) in three parts ethyl alcohol. 4) Apply the tincture to the lenses of your 3-D glasses using a (clean) Q-Tip brand Q-tip. 4) Let the solution dry overnight under the light of a full moon (Earth variety). Presto! Your new glasses should allow you complete access to the wonders that are to be found in the ever topical, ever lovin', ever elusive Fakiegrind Newsletter.