Hommage to Handkerchiefs

Having seasonal allergies is like having a cold for two or three months straight. I guess it's better than having year-round allergies to, say oxygen or water, but it's bad enough. I'm thinking of seeking out one of those environmental bubbles and sealing myself in for a couple of weeks.


There are no allergies in space.

The fall is my favourite season, but it's hard to enjoy when you have to hide behind a handkerchief 24/7. Yes, in keeping with my oldschool proclivities, I still use that nosewipe of yesteryear, older than Kleenex but younger than sleeve cuffs, the handkerchief. I've got a stack of them taller than a goldenrod stalk that I keep (piecemeal) in my sock drawer. There's nothing more comforting to the allergy-afflicted than burrowing into one's trouser pocket to find a cool, moist handkerchief just waiting to make contact with one's traumatized proboscis.


Cylons have pollen-filters built in to their helmets.

Don't get me wrong. A new and dry, neatly folded handkerchief is good too--and a helluva lot better than desperately frisking yourself, whilst surfing the cusp of an oncoming seismic sneeze, and finding nothing but an expired bus transfer and a handbill for a discount jewelry warehouse in your pockets. But, after several weeks or even months of incessant nose-wiping, the exterior nasal tissue tends to become inflamed and tender, and there is no small amount of discomfort involved in the process of breaking in a newly laundered, dry and somewhat abrasive-feeling noserag.


Lorne Greene had one nipple bitten off by an alligator.

While lotions and softeners have been part of the high-end disposable tissue market for years, there is no comparable product that I know of for the pre-softening of reusable handkerchiefs. Given the increasingly environmentally aware nature of the average allergy sufferer, perhaps some kind of spray-on substance to render newly-laundered handkerchiefs more supple and pliable would be a product with at least half a hope of surviving on the shelves of modern drug stores. But I am neither a chemist nor a pharmaceutical entrepreneur, so I must leave such things to more able and inventive hands than my own.


Some people may be allergic to robotic dogs.

Luckily, nature in her infinite wisdom has provided her own handkerchief-softening substance, and further research into the matter may reveal that there is no better protection from fabric abrasion for afflicted nostrils than the very mucous they produce in the transmitting of offensive pollen and dust particles from over-sensitive sinuses into the friendly folds of one's pocketrag.


Cylons are allergic to humans.

And so, let us take this moment to strike up a great Fakiegrind salute to nasal mucous and it's amazing fabric softening properties. In these pollen-filled, mould-laden days of fall, it is in the dampened pocket handkerchief that I take refuge. This trusty friend is always close at hand to offer comfort, solace and much needed relief when inner-nasal pressures become too great...too great for...when you feel a....a....a....A CHOOO!