Saturday, December 09, 2006

Flatlander's Return to "Sanity"

Late last night an emergency board meeting was called to consider what is to be done about Flatlander and his increasing state of paranoia. Granted, the unfortunate incident with the cable TV police didn't help things any. We were faced with a damage control situation, and were willing to hear out any reasonable idea. Perhaps we could humour Flatlander's delusions about being an android while somehow circumventing his desire to destroy Fakiegrind. If we could only get the real Maskatron out of storage where his dismantled body parts have lain for the past twenty years, then we could prove to Flatlander that he and the robot were not the same entity. But, strangely, Maskatron's disassembled body could not be located and remains missing at the time of this posting.

As a last resort, we began pouring over the Gilligan's Island Boxed Set DVD collection, hoping, if not for some inspiration, then at least for a measure of distraction from our current predicament. Then, towards the end of Season One, we were struck by a revelation: if a knock on the head by a coco nut can both cause and cure a case of amnesia, maybe a similar logic would be effective in Flatlander's case!

Luring the aging skateboarder back into the Foolproof Android Detection Device proved difficult, until we told him that it was time portal leading back to the year 1986. Once he was inside the device, we slammed shut the door and flipped the switch. The look on Flatlander's face when he emerged from the machine and discovered that he was still in 2006 and that rap music was still largely played out was slightly tragic, but we knew that the old Flatlander was back when he asked for some Run DMC from the vintage vinyl collection. Then he asked what we were all staring at and we had to pretend that nothing had happened, for fear of plunging him into a relapse.

Once the situation has stabilized and we have managed to assess any damage that might have been done to Flatlander's robust but unpredictable sense of self, we will gradually inform him of the strange events of the past few days. In the mean time, we must continue the search for the missing Maskatron components.

Thank you to all the loyal readers who stood by Flatlander in this time of crisis. A giant Venus fly trap that we trained to sing old vaudville songs has been sent out to every one of you as a token of our appreciation.


jin said...

*jin tries to read the post but is strangely transfixed by the new header.....*

flatlander said...

Yes indeed — there's something mesmerizing about that new header. Makes me want to...

And eat a large salad.

Anonymous said...

Does this mean that all those contributions I made to the "Save Fakiegrind" account will be repayed?

Overseer Q said...

All contributions to the Save Flatlander Fund went into the development of the new Hypnotic Anti-Blog Destruction Banner, which was quite expensive as we had to enlist the help of Randolph the Magnificent, a respected Hungarian mentalist.

You will recieve, however, an official Fakiegrind Sexy Girl Magnet. Great for affixing paper and things to girls!

jin said...

I suddenly feel so
relaxed and expansive.

Do you charge for this service?

flatlander said...

Yes indeed, in the new year, we're hoping to sell the Mezmervision® Banner technology to Google for Big Bucks!