Monday, June 13, 2005

Wheels Within Wheels


A couple days ago I was in the neighbourhood of the place of worship Flatlander attends, looking for clues to his recent disappearance. The church is indeed a beautiful old sanctuary, with a towering spire that once must have been the tallest structure in town, but is now somewhat dwarfed--in size, though not in style--by the flanking office buildings and hotels. I was prevented, however, from getting a close look at the place by the main road's being cordoned off. There were police directing traffic, and crowds of people holding placards and signs on the sidewalk. I noticed some tv or movie cameras too, and a few long-haired guys with little microphones stuck in their ears. Strangest of all, though, were the twenty or so cows placidly chewing their cud in the middle of the roadway. There was a little bit of hay scattered about for them, but it was well over thirty degrees, and the creatures must have been hot. I thought to myself that someone should hose the beasts down.

I asked one of the protesters what was going on--was it some kind of occupation on the part of the farmers? Would they be bringing chickens, pigs and tractors as well? Would they be moving the herd anytime soon so I could get a better look at the church? The fellow told me they were shooting a television commercial. Then I noticed the placards: they had messages like "Milk for the Masses" and "Healthy Bones Love Milk" done in tidy, computer generated lettering. Despite the heat, I felt an icy chill creep down my spine as the realization sunk in. "Any skateboarders in this commercial?" I asked. The fellow with the sign shook his head. He was just a paid extra, so I wasn't too worried. But then I noticed a couple of guys, overdressed for the weather in heavy suits, stirring from their unobtrusive position beneath the shade of some trees across the street. They seemed to be headed my way, so I deftly removed myself from the locale. No need to attract undue attention at this point.

But the message was clear: the Dairy Farmers of Canada were steaking out Flatlander's church. I shudder even now as I think of how deep their influence reaches. They know who the soya milk drinkers are in this country. They know who is making contraband unpasturized cheeses. They have hidden cameras in the refrigerators of the nation. I have no doubt that Flatlander had some very good reasons to disappear as he did. If he is out there reading, I would suggest keeping a low profile and avoiding all of your regular haunts. I've seen what can happen to other souls who have fallen under the juggernaut--or should I say "uddernaut--of ol' Bessie.

For the background of Fakiegrind's strained relationship with the DFC, please consult the Milk Archives.


Michael said...

I just want everyone to know it was me that took Fakiegrind to the 1,000 hit mark.

When can I expect my prize for being the 1,000 visitor? And I hope its not milk…..

I think the US has also band all dairy products from Canada, just like their meat.

Adjuster said...


Thank you for being our 1000th visitor!

A special Fakiegrind Gift Basket is on its way,
replete with a wide variety of Quebec cheeses,
and some hearty Canadian beefsteaks.

(Don't worry. If they try to confiscate it at the border,
we'll just pull some strings with the CDF, and send ol' Bess to deal with the situation.)

Keep it old!